What I learnt from uploading my first youtube video
Regain confidence, conquer insecurities, & overcome creative paralysis.
So many of us see the benefits of having a digital nomadic lifestyle, and we yearn for it. Especially with everything that’s gone on this year in 2020, we spend so much time on social media and rely on the internet to get away from reality, to imagine ourselves in place of the people that we see online.
Earning an income doing what they enjoy doing, the compound achievements, gaining financial freedom, travel flexibility, to be in all sorts of beautiful locations, from beaches and mountains to being on the road.
We begin to wonder if we can achieve that.
“What do I need to do to obtain that life?”
We begin brainstorming, an idea that strikes you as an “aha” moment, a potential project, you open your notebook, jot down the ideas, you start researching, collating, and planning. You think about this project nonstop, but after a while, you simply slow down, and maybe even come to a stop. You question yourself and your work. “What am I doing?”.
My name is Nick, and I’m a professional designer of over 7 years. I want to talk about overcoming our insecurities, and why we should not be afraid of things that make us feel uncomfortable. If you’re thinking about pursuing a career within the creative or entrepreneurial space, this would’ve been a message I would’ve wanted to come across 15 years ago, because it would’ve given me pretty much everything I would’ve needed to know, before I started my career in design and my pursuit of creativity.
My Story.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always loved making things with my hands, I’ve always been fascinated with shapes, colours, and textures. I’m a huge fan of music, photography, cooking and a bunch of other things in the creative department.
We usually associate someone creative or arty as someone with a “wild personality”, who loves to “express” themselves, through fashion, hairstyle, their brazenness, or through their work, how they communicate to you with their “style”.
Here’s the thing, I’m the opposite of this stereotype, and I’m certain millions of creatives also don’t fit this description. I generally keep my opinion to myself, I’m somewhat reserved, and I tend to have difficulty with expressing myself. I grew up in an environment where I looked different to everyone else and growing up in two different cultures as a kid, you don’t really know how to express yourself, even if you know two languages. I spent the majority of my teenage years as a quiet, introverted and shy person, I suffered from confidence issues and had harboured a lot of insecurities in high school.
When it came to my studies, I chose to major within the creative space, I was familiar with it, it was always an open space for me, where I could create as I wished, and without judgement. I’ve always been into anime and manga, so naturally, that was my style of art, and in one of my university interviews, a professor scrutinised the absolute shit out of my drawings rather than be gobsmacked by how well I drew Naruto. She commented that “These are the type of drawings I’d expect my 12-year-old daughter to draw, and on top of that she can do a much better job”.
Check yourself.
A lot of us struggle with change because we’re committed to the roles we’ve been given, we’re either locked in it or want to try new things but never give it the attention it needs. Stuck in limbo between poor habits and being unable to see quantitive progress.
Personally, I can attribute that to wanting too many things, skewed vision and lack of knowledge. Think about losing weight, rather than focus on adjusting daily habits, such as taking a daily walk, or reducing carb intake, we think muscles, bodybuilding, we change our diet, maybe paleo, maybe vegan, get a gym membership, work out 2 hours a day, then burn out after the first week and give up right away.
On my first day of university, after moving into my room, I said to myself, “Let’s go man, you’re in a new place, you can be a new you. You gotta do things differently this time”, it was the perfect opportunity for me to start again, personally and academically. I refuse to continue on with my previous life, that guy was no fun. Think about the parties, the booze, the girls, all the things you see in movies, there’s no way I’m missing out on that, American Pie had shown me the way.
Winning battles only to lose wars.
If you’re unfamiliar with the creative educational space, basically speaking, there’s a lot of critiquing involved, your tutors will rip into you if you fail to be prepared, and if you’re unable to present your work coherently, no matter how many hours or how much effort you put into your work, it just doesn’t matter, the pretty pictures don’t do it any justice. If you fear public speaking, then you’re just a scumbag who doesn’t know how to communicate their concept.
Whilst my personality had made significant improvement, I failed to challenge myself academically and creatively, I quickly realised that to succeed here, all you needed was to have the gift of the gab, I didn’t see the merit of hard work, so I cruised through my degree with the minimal effort, just enough to pass, and just enough to not fail, bang on 40 — the minimum points required for a Third Class degree. I had failed to learn the importance of devotion, and forgot to be imaginative, which are both key components to creative pursuits.
I became the first graduate on both sides of my family, I moved across the world for work, I had the opportunity to work in Shanghai, it was a new city, a new adventure. I let my ego get the better of me, and my idea of creativity became blurred, whilst it allowed me to live my early to mid-twenties brimming with confidence, it soon later became disastrous.
By 2016, I was on top of my game, I took on a managerial position at a new job, I became a lead designer, I had the responsibility of leading a team. After three years of grinding, this was my shot, I built up a good set of technical skills and knowledge, my Mandarin was getting pretty good by this point. The job paid well, I was confident and I was ready.
Holy fuck could I have not been more wrong.
Yeah, I got to design some pretty cool shit, but damn it, remember when I mentioned about the psychotic tutors earlier? Well, my boss at this job was about a hundred times worse. He was a total prick. An egotistical, up-your-own-arse kind of designer, I would do 100 hour weeks, work 14–15 days straight, get to the office at 9 am, and leave at 8 am the next day, doing anything it took to satisfy his “vision”, most of my work was unsatisfactory, I spent most of the year questioning my existence.
I was defeated and burnt out, my confidence and interest in design hit rock bottom.
The quest for freedom.
Throughout life we’ve always been taught to ask for permission, we ask parents, teachers, partners, and bosses, yet we never ask ourselves for permission, and when we do, we deny ourselves. We just unconsciously restrict ourselves from doing the things we want to. Granted there are things in life that are out of our control, but we fail to see what we can control.
“There are two ways you can live: you can devote your life to staying in your comfort zone, or you can work on your freedom. In other words, you can devote your whole life to the process of making sure everything fits within your limited model, or you can devote your life to freeing yourself from the limits of your model.” Michael A. Singer — ‘The Untethered Soul’
By late 2018, after being made redundant from my third job, I wanted an alternative to finding another one, I was tired of China life, I got pretty sick of being “a creative” and with design. I spent 10 years of my life dedicated to it and it got me nowhere, I didn’t feel like a creative, 70% of my career was devoted to robotic tasks, and AI design is going to be problematic in the future. I started to question my life and the career choices that I’ve made.
I thought to myself, there’s got to be another way, surely there’s got to be something that I’m good at, something that I can build a career out of.
I was done with being an employee, I couldn’t find purpose nor satisfaction working for someone else. I want to be free. So I moved back home to figure out my life.
Shortly after moving back, I had started a new job in London, it was pretty similar to my first job which leaned towards technical design. I made good progress and picked up my old skills with relative ease. I made good contribution to the company and I was feeling good. I hadn’t thought too much about my quest for freedom, I was happy with being back at work after 6 months of unemployment.
Late 2019, I revisited this topic, commuting was taking a toll me, I was commuting upwards of 4 hours a day for work. I had also started a long-distance relationship with my ex, so naturally, I began thinking about the exit strategy again, I wanted to close the distance between me and my ex.
I was on the hunt for an alternative method of earning an income, I wanted to leave the 9–5 lifestyle which keeps me location bound. I wanted to travel rather than commute, I wanted all the things that could only be possible if I wasn’t an employee.
Being paralysed with insecurities.
Earning an online income was the only logical solution to me. I had thought about starting an online business, but I don’t have the capital or the idea. I considered side hustles like Fiverr or trying out the freelance route, but as you already know, I had developed this mindset of not being “creative enough”, I wasn’t confident with my photography or design skills.
I became desperate for an exit, and eventually, I overwhelmed myself with too much overthinking and became overstressed. I fell into depression because I felt so useless, like all the skills, knowledge and experience that I had built up in my 20s was wasted effort. Every job I’ve had was thanks to being referred, I had never been able to score a job by myself, so this has always dampened my self-esteem. I jump from one job and one industry to another, a total jack of all trades. I had no idea where to start, all I could do was freak out.
Aside from the things that had happened globally at the start of 2020, I was living in another hell. I broke up with my ex — for various reasons. The breakup blues, poor performance at work, I was back at a shitty place again. I did a serious amount of self-reflection this time, on my behaviour, the relationship, my experiences and the life choices that I’ve made. I realised that a lot of my issues come from a serious lack of confidence and deeply rooted insecurities.
These insecurities have prevented me from trying new things, being blind to opportunities or even aspiring to become better. Insecurities that made me believe that I’m not good enough and shouldn’t bother with trying new things. That I’m a really really average person, designer, boyfriend, creative, et cetera. Harbouring this unnecessary kind of self-restraint, and being fearful of the unknown only serves to prevent me from living life.
I couldn’t accept that. I’m bored of being subpar. I’m done with not being in control. I began to take the proactive approach again.
What it takes to overcome your insecurities.
After surviving the initial shit show earlier this year, I figured out that trying out a bunch of new things and failing miserably, serves as a useful reminder that learning new skills or developing a new craft, is way more difficult than it seems. Understanding the principle and execution are two different concepts. It takes more than just a few tries to “get it right”; and in fact, you’ll probably never “get it right”, so we need to learn to be patient, stop focusing on “perfection”, and just relax. The beginning of anything should be difficult, otherwise, everyone will be good at everything. Obviously.
I spent most of this year learning to be patient. I spent months on research, countless hours on youtube watching tutorials and self-help videos. Thousands of pounds on courses, memberships, and books. I’ve been into self-development for about seven-eight months now because I wanted to understand myself more and start working on my problems, and whether my ideas and thoughts are original or implanted externally. For example, at another point this year, I was setting myself unrealistic deadlines, so to prevent overwhelming myself again, I had to figure out why was I still in such a rush.
By doing unfamiliar things and getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, we are training ourselves to be flexible. The principle of design is to provide creative solutions that aren’t so obvious, it’s the best opportunity presenting itself. I have new ambitions, big grandiose dreams, I felt the need to challenge myself at much higher levels, I needed to confront myself and just do the damn work.
Regaining your confidence by being selective.
Affiliate Marketing, Dropshipping, Amazon FBA, Online Courses, E-Books, Blogging, and Youtube, these are some of the options that I’ve done a ton of research on, they’re all valid methods of earning an online income, but I just couldn’t execute or agree with half of these options. I couldn’t get over the fact that — to make money, I had to sell useless shit to other people. Online courses, E-books and Blogging — I don’t think I can qualify to teach, nor do I think I’m expert enough to teach people technical things. I only learnt what Imposter Syndrome was this year, but it’s definitely not that, I can admit that *I ain’t got shit* to teach.
So, understanding that I lack in many areas, I didn’t want to learn something completely new and unrelated, I began to think about the things that I was really good at, or at least enjoyed doing. When it came to thinking about this list, I went through every possible and imaginable situation, from unusual skills to office tasks, and it boiled down to this for me: writing emails, being curious, having the ability to pick up new skills with relative ease, technology and gadgets, just to name a few.
I chose to work on my strengths and stuck with what I knew, so I began creating things to build up my confidence, to develop skills that could give my “lack of creativity” a boost.
I began reading and writing, for the first time since before technology invaded my life. I took photography more seriously, began learning videography, and practise talking to a camera. I love cooking, so I began experimenting with new and unfamiliar techniques, and I began learning the piano for the very first time at 30 years old. Working on the core creative skills gave me a new confidence with executing tasks.
With writing, I can spend more time thinking and developing the idea, it’s about clarity and purpose. With nonfictional reading, not only am I learning about the topic on hand, but I’m also learning how to write coherently. With fictional reading, it’s taught me to be imaginative, how to be in the present, focusing on the story, and the art of storytelling, which has helped me with framing shots, and how I write scripts. I also read out loud to practice speaking with confidence and articulacy, it’s been beneficial for my annunciation and pronunciation of words, and bonus: the way that I communicate internally and externally, oh and vocabulary.
Using my camera a lot more frequently means I’m way more comfortable with operating the equipment, it allows me far more flexibility in terms of working with my environment, adjusting and adapting as required, this is crucial when it comes to finding solutions in real-life situations.
Redefinitions.
I’ve been using YouTube from the very beginning. Safe to say it’s a bit of a strange experience to transition from being a content consumer to becoming a content creator. By the time I got to the stage where I began to consider using youtube as a method to building an online income, I had already come to peace with the fact that — whatever I do, whichever option I decide to work on, it will take me a while before I see results, and since I’m going to have to put in the work, why don’t I choose the option that is the most fun or interesting to me?
Once I had this shift in perspective, I finally figured out that my previous definition of freedom was the sole factor getting in the way of my freedom. I thought money would solve all the problems I had. I was only thinking about financial freedom. Yes, money is important, yes, having financial freedom means I’ll be liberated from my obligations, but I had forgotten about dealing with the feeling of being lost in life, which was happening to me in the last few years suffering from a career burn out. And what happens after getting the money? We often hear that money doesn’t buy happiness, so I didn’t want to only excel at one thing and have the rest of me lag behind.
What I learned from my first video.
I’ve always been fascinated with food shows, I have a habit of reviewing, studying, learning or criticising the food that I eat or see online, I’m pretty capable with a camera, so putting the two together made a lot of sense for me to make a food channel. But here’s the thing, cooking is easy, photography is easy and editing a photo is super easy. Cooking and recording at the same time is a completely different beast.
Videography and photography are two separate principles, and there’s another one called cinematography. You’ve got to pay attention to equipment such as lighting, the video settings, battery life, memory card and if it’s recording! It’s a laborious task, I get real hungry after all this work and I’ve already messed up a few scenes by this point, all I want to do is wrap up and eat the damn food.
Instead of rambling about the difference between photography and video creation, let’s simplify it. Say it takes 2 minutes to take a picture, edit and upload to IG. It took me 20 hours to create my first video, at the minimum that’s an increased workload of 60,000%. Talking to a camera is difficult, it’s uncomfortable, you don’t know how to convert your thoughts into words, so you spend hours writing a script, which could still be a mess.
Surprisingly, I haven’t felt discouraged at all, all the way leading up to uploading the video, I was patient with myself, I felt relief, something that I had been working on quietly and consistently became a full-fledged video, I had finished the project. I felt success, a sense of achievement, and true intrinsic happiness for the first time in a while.
The weight from my shoulders had been lifted as soon as I saw it online, the relief of seeing a product made from months of learning, periods of doubt and anxiety, weeks of trials and errors. I learnt what true freedom is after this exercise. Financial freedom is only one corner of life, and shouldn’t be the focus, I guess I finally figured out what “not chasing the money” means.
My revised definition of freedom is for me to create what I want to create, enjoy the process more than the result, learn from every opportunity, to explore and experiment with more.
We shouldn’t be limited by niches or categories, and we have to stop worrying about the small things. It’s a marathon and not a sprint, so it’s important to relax and just focus on doing the work.
Confidence regained and insecurities conquered.
Through this experience, my understanding of myself and my knowledge of the craft has increased significantly, I’ve gained confidence in my work, abilities and skills. I’ve gained confidence in myself, voice and opinion, I’ve always thought that opinions are unimportant, everyone has one, so I’ve never been very vocal, but now, it’s more of a case of sharing an experience and telling a story to help and encourage others.
It truly is a huge milestone for anyone to have published their first piece of work, pairing this newfound confidence with the correct mindset is imperative, to sustaining motivation and flow, for which long term happiness and success can be built on.
If you’ve been thinking about starting something new, or you’re still toying with the idea, I urge you to stay curious and continue your research. Have curiosity in yourself, in your hobbies, interests and explore the possibilities, and experiment with things you haven’t experienced before.
If you’re still in the “umming and ahhing” stage, hang in there, just have fun and remember that it’s all about the baby steps, anything you do with regards to the craft, is one step closer to where you aim to be, you’ll learn a lot more about the process and yourself after you’ve completed your first project.
Although I’m proud of my creation, first works are always going to become irrelevant, my first video is only the beginning, I needn’t worry how well it will do, how many views or likes I get. Its real purpose lies within helping me overcome a barrier, it’s a case of “You did what you set out to do, good job but it doesn’t end there”. I briefly considered to take a “rest” and pat myself on the back after achieving such a win, but honestly speaking, knowing that I can now, I’m just itching with excitement to create more.
If you’re trying to build valuable content, I think that creating with intent and purpose will help you realise that goal, and through consistency, you’ll become a lot more comfortable with the process, and create even better work.
Final words.
If you’ve got an idea, just go for it, do it, you should be the person who cares the least about the result, whilst caring the most about the task. If you’re starting a brand new channel/page/profile, don’t be pressured to define what it is, you probably shouldn’t restrict the types of videos that you can or can’t make.
To sum it up, because I have been restricting myself, it’s taken me way too long to get to where I am today and to quantify everything that’s happened this year into a bunch of numbers, it took me roughly 2000 hours to create my first youtube video, which is only six minutes long. I had written close to 20 thousand words before I became satisfied with “my voice”, this article(?!) is the result of my curiosity.
